Messages, media, and self-talk that supports a gentler world view
Or, holding on to the Gen X mantra: don't be a sell-out
This past September, I turned 56. As I near the end of my self-defined mid-life and get ready to enter my (also self-defined) old lady era, I think a lot about growing older and what that means: for my knitting, for how the world sees me, and for how I see myself.
Inside me has always loved “old lady” things. My idea of a rocking good time, at the ripe old age of 20, was to watch Anne of Avonlea on PBS, work a jigsaw puzzle, maybe consider booking a “murder mystery dinner event,” and be in bed by 9. I’ve been pretty the same ever since. Taking up daily knitting in my early 40s just cemented the idea for me that grandma hobbies—soaking up a slow and simple home life—are how I truly feel alive.
In the 90s, it felt more culturally acceptable to “refuse to sell out.” I think it was my generation’s response to the Gordon Gekko “Greed Is Good” era we’d endured. Getting older along with my Gen X peers, I realize that, although many of us didn’t sell out, the culture of consumerism, youth, and buying your way out, well, that culture still came for us, just like it comes for everyone except a very small minority of thin, wealthy, most always white, folks.
I read the most interesting piece about a 76-year-old influencer who’s a “style icon” on TikTok and has built a style platform “Life in my 70s.” She was shamed by commenters for showing her arms, being told that she’s too old for that, and has used that moment to cleverly amplify her pro-aging message that wrinkled skin is normal.
While I’m very much on board for pro-aging influencers, here’s the thing about this story: she is a very thin white woman who very much conforms to every cultural view of acceptability and has built a platform by reinforcing the very same norms and standards of beauty and cultural acceptability that she is now pushing against. Cultural messages that we need to buy our way into acceptance—with the right dress, the right hair, the right look, the right makeup—that culture eventually comes for all of us, no matter how much we try to conform and even if we do conform.
There are no winners in the culture where whiteness, Western European descent, and wealth is deified.
As we, in the US, head into Thanksgiving week, I want to commend a few nourishing things to help support you, beloved family, and friends who are pushing back against the cultural views that harm us all.
This gorgeous post from my friend and colleague Kavitha about making holidays more heartfelt and less pressured. (I’ve recommended her Substack before and, seriously, she’s sharing absolute thoughtfulness.)
Consider becoming a paid subscriber of Men Yell At Me to read Lyz’s post today about her Feast of Favorites and reinventing Thanksgiving to better suit her family. We also made this very same change during the pandemic and will be doing something similar on Thursday!
Listen to this 10-episode podcast series, Wilder, about Laura Ingalls Wilder and our responsibility to things we’ve loved. (Please note: this podcast explores the racism, violence, and xenophobia in the Little House books. If you’re a person of color, you may want to skip this one.)
Take good care of yourself, friends, and wrap yourself in messages and media, habits and self-talk, that reinforces the more inclusive world we all hope for. We can start with our knitting. And by saying “no thanks” to the things that ultimately serve none of us.
I hope you are able to hold all the beauty, complexity, nuance, and sadness that is the Thanksgiving holiday here in the US, and if you’re elsewhere in the world, I hope you’re able to hold everything that goes with a regular Thursday being alive in this beautiful, broken world.
May your knitting nourish you.
xo Anne
I watched the older woman’s post, and I’m not surprised she got criticized mostly by women--projecting some type of fear is my amateur guess. My hot take is that while she is pushing back on negative images of older women, she’s conforming to patriarchy’s version of ideal womanhood--white, thin, coiffed, jewelry, makeup, and, of course, high heels. All of which takes money, and the older women get, the more expensive it is to achieve that specific look.
Live by patriarchy; die by patriarchy.
I’m saddened and angry at the messages young girls get about female beauty. I’m 65 and work with high school and traditional college-aged students. Beauty standards are nothing new for women, but it seems girls now with Instagram (which I’m not on) and filters fill them with messages they can never be enough.
Sigh. Some days I hate being 65. Most days I’m grateful. Being an old soul, knitting, and going to bed at 9. That’s the life.
My daughter learned to knit with me at an early age. So, when she brought knitting needles and yarn to school for the grade 3 show and tell, everybody was surprised. Some commented, 'Only grandmas do that,' while others asked her to teach them. It's funny how knitting is still perceived as an old person's hobby.